|
“Oddly enticing due to its perversely peculiar main characters, How to Smash Everyone to Pieces destroys the notion of traditional storytelling ... Smash is disturbing ... but the book is a fun explosion of the ridiculous.” (Vampirella Magazine)
Chosen as one the ten best releases of 2004 by the Mysterious Bookshop in New York City.
When I got to the motel and she was nowhere to be found, I went a little crazy. I like going a little crazy. Shit, Daddy, I like going a lot crazy. And let me tell you, I went craaaaazy on that shit hole. First I picked up the cheap-o glass vase off of the cheap-o dresser, and I smashed that little pretty pot to pieces. Then I wrapped my fingers around the musty drapes that hung over the dirty, spotty window, and I ripped them right down to the dirty, spotty carpet, and I got myself all wrapped up in those drapes, and I felt like they were trying to suffocate me, but I wouldn’t let them do it, so I felt in my pocket and pulled out this box cutter, and I sliced through those drapes and crawled out like a baby slicing her way out of the womb. And then I really went to town. I pulled on the headboard until I heard this big ol’ craaaaaaaaaaack, and I pulled that fucker up and over the bed and slammed it against the wall, and all this plaster and bits of shit came flying out as the room filled with a white, white fog. Then I heard some prick yelling from the next room. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he was probably getting interrupted while trying to pole his wife with his itty-bitty prick, and he couldn’t concentrate enough to keep it up. Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate … yeah, Daddy, it’s tough, ain’t it? You got to think if you want to stink, if you know what I mean. You do, pretty baby, don’t you? I knew you’d hear me if I just taaaaalked to you. Yes, indeed.
So, I yelled back at this fuck, and I wasn’t gonna waste too many words on him, because I had some shit to do, so I just shouted, “Fuck up, fuck hole!” and that shitter fucked right up, he shut right the fuck up, he fuckin’ shutted up like a clammy clam, and I got real serious about what I was doing.
The next thing to go was the bedspread, and it was all crusty with cum stains and pockmarked with mothy holes. I pulled that shit off, and I opened the window, and I threw it out the window. As the thing drifted to the ground, I yelled out, “So long, cummy!” And wouldn’t you know it, that cummy bedspread landed right on the heads of a couple of newlyweds who probably thought it would be naughty to get a room in a sleazy motel for a night. I could just hear them in my head, I could hear them talking, I could hear them talking in my head, and they were saying shit like, “Oooh, baby, we’re so bad! We’re keepin’ the spice alive! We’re so out on a limb!” And then they got down in the shitty missionary position, and that perky little baby bride didn’t even cum, and her scrawny new hubby did in about 5.5 seconds, but she still made a big stink and moaned and screamed real loud to satisfy his tender ego. And he believed every fake shriek and asked her, “Oh, darling, was I okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” and she was all like, “No, my magnificent stallion! You are the greatest lover ever!” and then she had to go to the bathroom and spend some quality time with her vibrator to really get herself off. And she was probably thinking about someone like me the whole time. That’s ‘cause Mary’s got it like that, sweet-thang. I got it all like that shit.
What did I say? Was I sayin’ I opened the window and threw out the bedspread? Opened it, opened it … yeah, I opened that shit wide open. I opened it by taking the nightstand next to the bed and throwing it through the windowpane. Like I was saying, that nightstand landed right on this couple that was walking out of the motel, and it landed right on that scrawny new hubby’s head, and I was like six stories up, so that nightstand split that guy’s head waaaaaay open, like a little chickie egg, and his girlie girl starts shrieking, so I threw that cummy bedspread out the window, and it covered her up all snuggly tight, so that you couldn’t even hear her shriek anymore, and when I threw it out the window, I yelled out, “So long, cummy!”
That’s when the manager came running in. He just barged in without even knocking. You believe the nerve of some people? I cannot tolerate rudeness, so I got all indignant, and I said, “You want some of this, meathead?” And he’s this little español with greezy hair, and he starts yelling at me in Spanglish, so I say, “Welcome to the U.S.A., Juan Valdez!” and I picked up the Gideon Bible that fell out of the night table right before I tossed that shit out the window, and I spiked the Bible hard down on his skull, and he tried to grab me, and I don’t like being grabbed by some little gnat—some little piece of trash—so I kicked him hard in the balls, and he fell to the ground, and I got my box cutter and sliiiiiiiiiiicey slicey! I cut his face up super sweet, and he was trying to hold his hands up and defend himself, and it was sad, sad, sad. He starts crying like a teeny-weenie girlie girl, and I start asking him questions, because even though I was doing all sorts of activities in that motel room, I still had just one thing on my mind, just one thing on my mind.
“Where is Desiree?” I screamed in his ear like a banshee do scream.
“I no know Desiree!” he screamed in broken English. “No know, no know!”
“Pretty lady; she looks just like me?”
“No know, no know!” he kept on screaming.
“Pretty laaaaaaaady!” I screeched in my best Jerry Lewis imitation, and I gave him one sweet, deep cut right across the throat, and he stopped screaming. I jumped over his body like a graceful swan in a Swan Lake ballet, and I was out the door. When I got out in the street, out in the street, the bride of Frankenstein was still screaming about how her groom was bleeding and he would not answer her when she squealed, “Johnny, Johnny, talk to me!” Mmmm, I’m talkin’ to you, mama. I’ll talk to you all night long, but first I gotta find my sister, because with me, family always comes first.
Read another review at Eternal Night.
|
